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Remarks of Buckingham Palace on the Passing Away of the Russian President

Buckingham Palace regrets to announce the passing away of the President of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin, who had recently won a rigged election to remain the longest leader in Russian history after creating four fake candidates to stand against him on exactly the same platforms as him. They then stood next to him on his victory platform and gave remarks praising his policies and performance as President.

The late President Putin was profoundly admired by dictators, autocrats and tyrants across the world, making political friendships and relationships with leaders in North Korea, Venezuela and various rebel warlord military commanders in central and west Africa. He was notorious for establishing the Wagner Group, possibly the world’s first state-sponsored private mercenary company, to foment revolutions and wars abroad including his near-unanimously condemned two invasions of his European neighbour Ukraine in contravention of all international law and policy.

President Putin fell accidentally after slipping during a walk in an Arctic Circle penal colony where he was spending an extended vacation. No malice or ill intention was suspected. He was treated by doctors at the scene with nerve agent but they were unable to revive him. He was then flown by private jet to St Petersburg that, according to a due investigation of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, exploded shortly after take-off, killing all aboard, after certain passengers were playing with hand grenades by removing the pins from them. Upon arrival at Moscow Central Clinical Hospital Mr Putin fell down several sets of highly polished wooden stairs and then threw himself out of the top floor of a hospital window. He then threw himself off a Siberian cliff face 200 kilometres east of Norilsk while being interviewed by the Chief Anchor of Russia Today in an attempt to save his colleagues who weren’t there. Medics at the scene attempted to resuscitate him but to no avail. He was buried in a private ceremony in Moscow after the Russian state security service threatened his family.

The Palace would like to extend its condolences to the family of Mr Putin, but regrettably they all simultaneously hanged themselves from the handrail of a set of stairs leading from a balcony to its terrace in Nizhny Novgorod that it turned out after their deaths they owned but they had never visited before. The apartment building was then accidentally burned down in an unexplained fire. Again a full investigation on the part of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation confirmed the relevant facts pursuant to an impartial inquiry.

Russia has a long history of disinformation and indeed murder of political opponents in the most gruesome ways but spreading false rumours as to the death of the British Head of State, His Majesty King Charles III, who is currently convalescing after treatment for cancer, is beneath contempt. This is a typical operation of the SVR, the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service, a bunch of incompetent bunglers run by a fool who Mr Putin treats with contempt. Hijacking Russian state-owned or state-influenced media to propagate such nonsense does not assist in anything but heightening the ridicule and contempt in which the Russian Federation is held and her increasing isolation.

It seems to us unlikely that the Russian President authorised this absurd campaign of disinformation about His Majesty the King, any more than that Buckingham Palace authorised this press release. Nevertheless the fact that this farcical attempt was undertaken is indicative of the fact that Mr Putin cannot control his own security and intelligence services, a sprawling morass of in many cases incompetent fools who cause wanton offence with no benefit for Russia. The only effect of this insult to the British people will be to steel our resolve to support and defend Ukraine, and to cause us to fight back with our own propaganda campaigns.

God save the King. Slava Ukraini.


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